


nothing gold can stay

by andidmarryyouharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:09:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1691108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andidmarryyouharry/pseuds/andidmarryyouharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis joins the army, where he meets Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nothing gold can stay

**Author's Note:**

> i have basically no idea what war or bootcamp is like, so this is basically what i gathered from the us army website! i've been putting this off for months and then i finished it in like a day, so sorry if it's shit :) 
> 
> title from "nothing gold can stay" by robert frost

 

    Twelve days before his high school graduation, Louis decides what he wants to do with his life. He goes home, sits his mother down, and asks for her blessing to enlist in the military. She nods, a sad sort of smile on her face, and makes him promise that he will do whatever it takes not to lose himself. So, he makes the proper arrangements, calls his college of choice and thanks them for accepting him, but lets them know he won’t be enrolling, at least not anytime soon. He calls a recruiter, and they happily ask for his information. Before he knows it, he’s packing the regulated items and kissing his mother on the cheek before heading off to begin his life. 

     The plane ride down to the recruiting base is the time for regrets and wishes. Louis regrets leaving his family. He regrets all of the boys he hasn’t kissed. He regrets not telling people who he was sooner. He wishes he had been a better son and a better brother. He resolves that the next time he will see his mother, he will apologize for everything he could have done better. When the seatbelt light blinks on, Louis buckles up and stares out of the window, waiting for the landing.

     Louis feels dwarfed surrounded by all of the other recruits. He’s in line waiting to be approved, and so far, he has not seen a single person shorter than he is, or even remotely close. He quietly shuffles to the proper line, and waits there, nervously texting Stan and his mother with last thoughts and promises.

     He bumps into another recruit as he’s receiving his uniform and quickly mumbles an apology. “Don’t worry about it mate!” The blond kid says with a chuckle. “‘M Niall” he says with an outstretched hand. Louis grasps it firmly and shakes. “I can’t tell you how nervous I am to get all of my hair cut off, man. I’ll just feel so.. so naked.” Niall confides with a whisper, and Louis smiles, as Niall reminds him of his friends back home. 

Louis can’t stop touching his head. Niall gives him a knowing smile as they both subconsciously feel their heads, searching for hair that isn’t there. Niall chatters happily about his life to Louis, telling him about his high school years, his friend who’s a doctor in the army, his cousin that’s also enrolled, and his girlfriend back home. Niall’s a scholarship kid, enrolled in the army so that he can attend college afterwards for basically no payment. They chat their way into the locker room, and Louis freezes. He’s not sure if Niall will like the fact that he’s gay and changing in the same room as Niall. The boys on the football team sure didn’t. He hustles over to one of the toilet stalls and wrenches open the door, entering into the tiny space. It’s a tight squeeze, he acknowledges, as he bumps his elbow against the stall divider for the third time. He emerges in full uniform, and as he looks at himself in the mirror, he sighs. This is the beginning of the rest of my life, he thinks to himself. He’s not really sure how he feels about that, but he can’t change it now. 

     Niall and Louis stick together for the rest of orientation, and they meet a couple of other guys: Zayn and Mark. They’re both from Bradford and have been friends almost their entire life. Zayn has managed to get through the orientation process whilst keeping a load of black hair piled on his head, only having the sides shaved. He explains that he’s the communications guy, not engaging in actual combat, so the officials had deemed it okay. Niall keeps looking around for his cousin, who he promises that Louis will love. They head through orientation, gathering the supplies needed and get their bunk assignments, which Louis is delighted to find he shares with both Zayn and Niall. Niall yelps with excitement when he finds out that his cousin is also in their bunk. 

     “Great lad, he is.” Niall repeats, and Zayn and Louis roll their eyes good-naturedly at each other. They head to lunch soon after, traveling in a large swarm of shaved heads. 

     When Niall calls his cousin over to their lunch table, he trips over his feet and almost spills his drink down the front of his own shirt. “H-hi. I’m Harry.” He mumbles, face red and hands clasped in his lap.  Niall claps him loudly on the back, and introduces him to everyone. “This here is Ben, Zayn, Liz, Meg, Mark, and Louis.” Harry’s eyes flit up to Louis’, but flit away quickly when he notices the ice blue gaze focused on him. Louis sees Meg giving Harry an appraising look out of the corner of his eye, which makes him slightly irritated, so he forces himself to look away. Niall proceeds to tell several embarrassing stories about Harry as a child, ones that have him blushing and looking down at his feet. After the attention turns away from Harry, he looks up and begins to watch the people at the table, and Louis keeps catching him staring at him several times. 

     As they all head back to the dorm, Niall chatters excitedly about how they can all get bunks next to each other, and is heartbroken when he realizes that it’s in alphabetical order. Louis finds his bunk easily, a bunk bed in the corner of the barracks. His bunk mate is ‘Harry Styles’ and Louis isn’t surprised to find out it’s Harry, Niall’s cousin.

     “D’you want the top or the bottom, mate?”

     “I mean, I usually bottom, but-” Louis bursts out laughing, then stops when he realizes that Harry might not have meant it in that way. Harry’s face is literally beet red, and he rushes to explain that he didn’t mean it in that way.

     “Wouldn’t want to break the tradition then, would we mate? Good thing I’m usually a top.” Louis says, winking obnoxiously as he climbs the bunk ladder and struggles to stretch his sheets to fit the bed. Goddamn fitted sheets.

     “I can get that for you, if you’d like?” Harry stutters, and Louis glances down at his bunk. How the hell did he get his bed made so quickly? 

     “Uh, that’d be great, if you don’t mind.” Louis replies, and climbs down the ladder, watching Harry climb up. Someone claps him hard on the back, and he turns to find Niall, who’s watching Harry make Louis’ bed. 

     “Guess Louis’ already made you his bitch, H. Nice work, Lou.” Niall comments, slapping Harry’s ass. Harry jumps about a foot in the air, teetering precariously on the edge of the ladder. 

     “Nah, he’s just helping a friend out, right Harry?” Louis covers for Harry, who’s blushing furiously. Harry nods his head quickly and Niall just smirks as he walks away. “Thanks again mate,” Louis says as he climbs up to his freshly-made bunk. Harry just nods and before he knows it, Louis is drifting off to sleep. 

 

     Louis wakes up to a blaring alarm and looks around startled to realize that every other recruit is stumbling down out of their bunks and lining up at the foot of his bed. He sits up and immediately feels nauseous from sitting up to fast. He never thought that a 6:00 wakeup call would be this terrible. He scrambles down the ladder at the foot of his bed as fast as he can and stands up straight next to Harry at the foot of the bed. 

     “Alright, new recruits. Here’s the plan. You’ve got five minutes to get dressed, and then head outside for your first ever day of training. Breakfast comes after that.” The drill sergeant nods his head twice, then leaves. Louis and Harry pull out their steamer trunks from under their bed, grabbing their uniforms.

     “Didn’t expect it to be this intense.” Louis mutters under his breath, and Harry nods. Louis can’t tell if Harry is just shy at first, or if he’s just this awkward. He hopes it’s not the latter. 

     They head outside, and the drill sergeant instructs them to run down a hill, jumping over obstacles. If they’re last, they have to do an extra circuit. Louis thanks god that he continued to run after soccer had finished. Louis thinks training might be the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. He used to complain about conditioning for his school’s soccer team, complain about the 2 miles that they’d run before practice. But this is so much harder. As he pulls himself over wall after wall, he wonders if his muscles even possess the capabilities to hoist his entire body mass over the obstacles. They strain and sometimes Louis swears he can feel them tearing. But somehow they manage to lift him over every time. He meets up with Niall after lunch, and they go to see Niall’s friend who’s the army doctor, Liam. 

     “Liam!” Niall shouts, seeing him across the infirmary. A guy with short brown hair looks up, and begins weaving across the room to reach Niall. 

     “Niall! What’s good? Who’s this?” Liam says, greeting Niall with some sort of handshake that Louis had never seemed to master.

     “This is Louis,” Niall replies, and Liam sticks his hand out, shaking Louis’ firmly. 

     “Nice to meet you, Louis. So, the two of you need medical help already? Wouldn’t expect any less from you, Nialler.” Liam laughs, and Niall pouts.

     “Liam, you know I’m well in shape. Just because I don’t develop huge fucking biceps like certain people doesn’t mean anything.” Liam just laughs, and looks as if he’s going to continue their conversation, but then another doctor calls his name from across the room. 

     “Shit, I’ve been caught slacking. Got to go, nice to meet you Louis.” Liam nods respectfully at Louis before rushing off to the other side of the room. Louis wonders aloud if they should head back outside, and Niall groans loudly at the thought.

     “Mate, I don’t think I can take another hour of this.” The drill sergeant is waiting back at the starting mark, and they’re forced to run the track again. 

     After finishing the afternoon drills, many recruits head to the barracks, but Louis decides to go straight to dinner. The dining room is bare, except for a few people scattered here and then. Louis scans for someone he knows, and finally spots his bunk mate and heads towards that table after filling up his tray. There’s a load of spots, but Louis slides his tray down next to Harry’s.

     “So, Harry. What’s your story?” 

     “M-my story?” Harry won’t lift his head from the table they’re sitting at, his fingers drumming on the underside of the table, and wow, his hands are big. Louis gently bumps Harry’s shoulder with his own, and asks why Harry had chosen to enroll. 

     “Oh, um, well, I kind of needed money to go to college, right? It’s not easy to afford it when you come from a family like mine and I need to complete at least 2-year school in order to ever get a decent job to support my family. I dunno, this just seemed like the best option, and I love my country and I think fighting for freedom is a good cause?” Harry bites his lip, his teeth tearing at the delicate pink skin, and glances up at Louis quickly, as if for approval. “What about you?”

      Louis laughs, and explains that he didn’t really know what to do with his life, and so he decided to do something worthwhile while he figured it out. 

     “What’s a fun fact about you?” Louis asks, “something that I wouldn’t guess.”

      “Um, well. I have really curly hair, I guess. It was getting pretty long actually, before they made me buzz it. I think the official was pissed off that he had to shave that much, actually.” Harry admits, still acting like he was searching for some sort of approval from Louis. Louis tilts his head back, cackling at the thought of a mop-head Harry, and Harry finally smiles, albeit a little nervously. Before the rest of the guys get to lunch, Louis discovers that Harry has a cat, one sister, and a prominent dimple in his left cheek. Louis never knew how much he loves dimples. 

     Louis literally can’t keep his eyes off of Harry, and Zayn notices for sure. He smirks all through dinner, and afterwards, he catches up to Louis. 

     “Look, I know I’m the communications guy, and my opinion doesn’t really count, but get on that,” he whispers into Louis’ ear and then somehow disappears, Louis losing sight of him in the crowd. Louis is left wondering how the fuck he did that, but who the fuck knows with Zayn.

 

    A week later, Louis wakes up as Harry leaves the bunk. It can’t be later than 6 am, as all of the other recruits are still asleep. Louis watches as Harry leaves the barracks, and decides to follow. He finds Harry just outside of the doors, watching the sunrise. 

    “Hey, you okay?” Louis asks, and Harry gasps, startled. 

    “Did I wake you?” Harry whispers worriedly. “I’m so sorry.” Louis sits next to him on the concrete. There’s a slight breeze, but it’s more comfortable than harsh. 

    “No, it’s okay. It’s nice to watch the sunrise sometimes.” Louis says, and Harry smiles, relieved. As he scoots over slightly to make more room for Louis, Louis notices that his entire left arm is covered in tattoos.

    “Damn, nice tats! I’ve got some too!” Louis says, excited to find someone who loves getting tattooed as much as he does. He pulls up the sleeve of his henley to show Harry, who asks what his favorite is. 

     “I like my quotation marks. They were one of the first ones I got, and I just think they’re so simple.” Louis says, and Harry smiles, reaching over to trace them. As Harry’s hand touches Louis’ wrist, Louis feels goosebumps where he touches. It’s so middle school that Louis can’t help but smile. As he admires Harry’s tattoos, he notices a simple one in black lettering.

     “What’s this one mean?” Louis asks, tracing the outline of three simple words on Harry’s wrist. ‘i can’t change’. Harry runs his fingers over it absentmindedly, as he begins his story, about how he was only 18 and very scared and very alone, but it was a message to keep him going even when people made fun of and bullied him for his sexuality. “It should be inherent knowledge for everyone, Lou. Nobody can change who they are.”

    “Ha, believe me, I know. Sucks sometimes, doesn’t it,” Louis murmurs.

    “I think it’s worth it, though. Because then you meet someone that makes you forget you ever went through that,” Harry whispers, and glances at Louis’ lips. Just as Louis leans in ever so slightly, the alarm blares, and Louis hears the unmistakeable sound of 50 recruits leaping out of their beds and changing into their uniforms. 

    “Shit, there’s no way to make it look like we weren’t hooking up,” Harry whispers, and Louis cracks open the door.

    “Let them think that. I’d be flattered, honestly.” Louis says, and winks as he flings the door open and strides to his bunk, Harry following close behind. All the recruits smirk, assuming the worst, and Louis just smirks back. 

    As they stand in front of their bed facing the drill sergeant five minutes later, Louis whispers ‘tonight’, and Harry smiles so big Louis thinks it might crack his face in two.

    The entire day is full of small smiles and Niall accusing them of hooking up, and Louis can’t stop beaming.

     As the recruits all lie in bed, Louis feels electric. After he thinks everyone’s drifted off to sleep, he leans over the side and meets Harry’s eyes. 

    “Hi,” he whispers, and Harry’s lips curve upwards. “Let’s go.”

     They sneak out of the barrack, and sneak around the corner of the brick building. The moonlight is illuminating both of them now, Harry pressing Louis up against the brick wall. The soft light of the moon streams through Harry’s eyelashes, casting long dark shadows against his unblemished skin. It’s unbearably quiet, reminding Louis of the calm before the storm. It’s strange being here, as it doesn’t feel how Louis imagined being in the army would be. Instead, it feels like he’s a preteen girl waiting to get her first kiss. He feels the softest brush of Harry’s skin against his, and when he turns his head ever so slightly, Harry’s face is mere centimeters away.  

     “Oops.” Harry breathes, the peppermint of his breath cooling Louis’ face.

     “Hi.” Louis smiles and tilts his head up ever so slightly. 

 

     After a month of training, the big news is announced. They’re being shipped out to the battlefield the next day. They’ll take a plane, and arrive in the evening and receive their assignments then. Everything starts to feel real as Louis boards the flight, Harry at his side. They sit together on the plane, Louis demanding the aisle seat. (Of course he made sure it was okay with Harry, who said he preferred the window seat anyways). They hold hands through the turbulence, and as they touch down, Louis’ shoulders tense with the ideas of actual war repercussions. 

     When they reach the bunk that night, Harry pulls Louis outside, and asks him quietly if he’s okay. 

     “It’s just incredibly real now, and I wish I was ready,” Louis admits, his hands clasped tightly, his knuckles turning white. “Is that pathetic?”

    “No, and I’m in the same boat, believe me. You just have to tell yourself it’ll be okay.” Harry says reassuringly, running his hands through Louis’ hair and pulling him down to sit on the cement ground. 

     “But what if you kill someone tomorrow?” Louis asks, his stomach tight with the impending possibility of a life being lost at his hands. Harry tilts his head back against the wall, gazing at the moon. His eyebrows knit together, and he bites his lip. Finally, he looks at Louis, and his expression is one of dead honesty.

     “I’ve really trying to focus on the positive side of war. I mean, you hear of people inventing miraculous cures, running into burning buildings, helping to rebuild homes after horrible horrible things. That’s part of the reason I signed up for the military in the first place. I just want to do something, anything to help my country, when it’s helped so many others. I’d rather do something like save lives, but if God means for me to take one, then it’s fate, I guess. I wish nobody had to die before their time though, Lou. Life is such a blessing, and it’s so painfully sad and irreversible, but I guess God has different plans for everyone.” These words impact Louis, and he takes them in his heart to bed and thinks about them when he wakes the next morning. 

     He can’t believe he’s actually about to go into war after training for two months. It all feels so sudden, and it strikes him that he’s only eighteen. Harry seems to notice that Louis is feeling unsure, and whispers reassurances and declarations of love over Louis’ toast and jam. As they get on the truck that’ll that them to their station, Harry interlocks his hand with Louis’ between their thighs, rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of Louis’ hand. 

    As they get out of the trunk, gunfire is suddenly unleashed. Bullets strike the tires of the van, blowing the tires and taking away their only means of escape until the next van arrives. Louis is frozen, unsure of where to go or if he should hide or fight. He feels someone grab him, and he forces his legs to run as Harry leads him to a small grouping of trees. 

     They’re hunkering down, hiding behind a tree. Louis is praying to a God that he doesn’t even believe in, and Harry’s arm is around him. Louis is grasping Harry’s bicep, never wanting to let him go. Harry’s lips touch to his forehead, and he whispers “we will make it”, and he’s yanking Louis to his feet, and then they’re running. They’re stumbling across the bumpy surface, and Louis’ palms are sweaty and he’s doing his best to keep from tripping. Harry keeps pulling him forward, and all Louis can think about it how he’s going to die, but at least it’s going to be with Harry, but he hadn’t even time to tell his mother he loves her, and he just wants to be home, with his blanket and his hot tea and watching bad television. And then Harry throws himself onto the ground, pulling Louis down with him, and they’ve made it. They’re behind the wall, and it’s a hell of a lot more reassuring than hiding behind some tree, where they could surely be seen. Louis is freaking out, tiny whimpers escaping his lips, and he shuts his eyes hard, trying to focus on his breathing. He feels a pair of big arms wrap around him, and suddenly Harry’s lips are at his ear. “Shhh, baby, shh. You’re okay, I’ve got you.” Louis nods quickly, and Harry continues to talk, rambling on about them and how much he loves Louis until he says four words that make Louis stop stone-cold. 

      “Will you marry me? I mean obviously not now, or anytime soon, that’s just not possible, but I can’t imagine being with anyone else and if you feel the same, I don’t see what harm could come from me asking you, sorry if this is rushed or whatever, but it would mean a lot.” Louis almost forgets where they are, hunkering behind a wall praying not to get shot, and almost screams with delight. He wants the world to know, he wants to tell everyone, but he stifles that urge and replies with a ‘do you even have to ask?’ and kisses Harry hard. It’s a short kiss, and before Louis knows it, they’re up and moving, but he’s engaged. Well, not exactly engaged, but engaged to be engaged. His heart is bigger than he’s ever known it could be, and he imagines that this is what it feels like to be perfectly content, something he’s never known. They hop in a moving van, full of other soldiers from their unit. When they reach safety, Harry kisses Louis’ hand and jogs off to make sure that everyone in their unit also made it back safely. 

     Harry returns half an hour later, and Louis’ heart sinks when he sees Harry’s crestfallen expression. 

    “Liz didn’t make it. She got hit in the chest with a bullet, and it pierced her heart.” He delivers solemnly. Louis feels like someone hit him in the chest. 

    “Are you okay? I know you guys were friends.” Louis asks, and Harry’s mouth twitches in a sad smile. 

    “I’ll be okay. I know she’s in a better place now.” 

    They eat their dinner in silence.

 

     They don’t talk that night, Harry just climbs into his bunk, and Louis swears he hears soft sobs shortly after the lights go out. The next morning, he resumes a chipper attitude, but Louis knows it’s just to keep everyone’s morale up. He continues throughout the day, but later that night, in their designated free time, Louis corners Harry. He leads Harry outside, where no one can hear them talking.

     “Are you sure you’re okay?” Louis asks softly. 

     “I will be. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just, this just, it makes everything so much realer. We’re actually doing this Lou, and we’re all out there, everyday, putting our lives on the line. The worst part is, I wasn’t even that upset about Liz, it’s just. I, um, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d do if it was you.” Harry’s eyes start to water, and Louis immediately grabs his arm. He pulls Harry down into his arms, and they sit at the base of the wall. “Is that completely horrible of me?”

     “No, no baby, of course not. Don’t even think about that though, okay? Think about how we’re going to get married. We’ll be living in a tiny house and you’ll want a kitten, but I’ll want a dog because cats poop in a box and that’s just bizarre and gross. And you’ll pout and then we’ll end up getting a cat anyways because I won’t be able to resist you. And even though you promise to clean out the litter box, I’ll end up doing it anyways.” Harry laughs at that.

     “Bullshit. You _know_ I’ll end up cleaning the box. I had to make your bed before I even knew you, for Christ’s sake.”

    “ _Hey_ , you offered! It’s not like I demanded it.” Louis says, affronted. He tries to pull away to maintain a little bit of dignity, but Harry pulls him back in and wraps his arms around him.

    “You didn’t have to. You already had me whipped before I even knew you.” Harry says, and kisses him hard. “Let’s go inside, okay?” 

 

    Three days later, Harry pops the question at breakfast.

    “I’ll have to get you a ring when we get home. The only question is, are you more of a gold or silver type of guy?” Harry asks over scrambled eggs the next morning. Louis nearly chokes on his orange juice, and feels his heart erratically bouncing around in his chest. 

     “Gold, is that even a question?” Niall interrupts, sticking something in his mouth. “Louis is the classiest mofo around.” He claps Louis on the back, turning away to join another conversation. Louis can’t stop smiling, his cheeks tense with the pressure of a toothy grin. Harry smiles back, his dimple growing ever larger. It’s a real smile, and Louis is relieved, knowing that Harry’s okay again.

 

     Before they head out on that days mission, they press their fists together with the thumbs up, the sign language form of lovers. Zayn makes eye contact with Louis and gives him a knowing smirk and a wink. Louis’ on top of the world, he’s getting _married_ when he gets home, and to someone that may actually be his soulmate, if Louis believed in that sort of thing. As the airplane ramp begins to lower and they prepare to parachute out, he looks to his right, where he knows Harry will be. He catches Harry’s eye as they pull on their goggles, and they jump together. Louis thinks he’d freefall anywhere, as long as Harry was there beside him. Louis’ heart plunges into his mouth as he grabs the cord that will release his parachute. He yanks it, and he watched Harry do the same. His shoulders are immediately pulled up sharply, and he begins to run so the landing isn’t too harsh. He hits the ground, Harry shortly behind him, and they cut off their parachutes and begin to run. They’re in an active warzone, that’s for sure, and they take cover behind what must have used to be a building. Harry smiles at Louis, and Louis smiles back. They interlock fingers, running to join the rest of their squad. As they reach their team, something almost hits Louis’ leg and he turns to see what it was. As he sees what it is, he feels his heart sink, and his feet feel like they’ve turned leaden. The thing, Louis can’t even form a coherent thought about what that could do to him, to them, to Harry, skitters across the rocky ground towards Louis. Louis’ heart is pounding and all he can do is freeze. 

    The last thing Louis remembers before he was thrown into the air, tossing and turning like a tree caught in a tornado, is a pair of hands on his back, pushing him away.

 

***

 

     Niall runs to the hospital as soon as he hears the news. He doesn’t see Harry at first, but assumes he’s in the back pressuring the nurses so that he can see Louis. He finds Liam almost immediately. Louis should be fine, although one of his legs had to be amputated after the blast of a grenade tore it off. 

     “He keeps asking for his mum. I called her.” Liam’s head is in his hands. Niall rubs his back. “At least he’ll be okay, thank the Lord. He also keeps asking for Harry. Do you know where I can reach him?”

     “Harry?” Niall feels his palms begin to sweat. “I thought he was already here, I didn’t hear otherwise. His last name is Styles? ‘M fairly sure he was assigned with Louis on his last assignment, I don’t know why he wouldn’t be here-”

    “Private Styles?” Liam asks, and Niall nods. Liam’s breaths are coming quickly now. “Oh no, oh no. It’s not- oh god.” 

     Niall feels a wave of nausea roll up his body. “Liam. What happened?”

      “I was there when they brought the helicopter, the one kid was too far gone to save. He saved their lives, Ni. He, oh god, he held his helmet over the grenade.”

     Niall feels as if his brain is exploding, an intense pain spreading throughout his cranium. His stomach is churning, and his breaths are short and forced. He’s known Harry since they were young. They rode the train from upper New York to DC together, both of them from small families in smaller towns. They had been next to each other on the airplane, and Harry, seeing how tightly Niall was grasping the armrest, had leaned across the aisle to whisper “When you’re on an airplane, time flies.” Niall had rolled his eyes, but his butterflies were a little calmer after that. Harry had followed him throughout training, and when they met Louis, all it took was one look to see that Harry was gone, gone for Louis. The sad thing was Louis was gone for him as well, but now Harry was simply gone for good. The next thing Niall knows, he’s sprinting to the nearest bin, upheaving the contents of his stomach into it. He’s crying hard, and when his stomach has nothing left in it, he slides down to the floor, staring at the geometric pattern on the floor.

 

     Zayn shows up in the next half hour, his eyes rimmed with red. He nods at Niall, and slumps in the waiting room chair, his fingers interlocking in his lap. His hair has fallen for the first time since Niall’s known him. The three of them coexist in silence for about five minutes before Zayn speaks up.

     “Has anyone told him?” he asks quietly, and Niall and Liam both shake their heads. “He deserves to know.” They all nod again. 

     Niall really does not want to tell Louis. He’s already cracked enough for one day, and he thinks that seeing Louis’ reaction might completely splinter him, leaving permanent scars. 

     “I can’t do it.” Niall insists, and Zayn looks up. 

    “I can’t either,” Zayn says. “I don’t think I could handle it in the slightest.”

 

      In the end, they send Liam. Liam trudges down the hall towards Louis’ room, and when he cracks the door open, Niall and Zayn hears Louis demand that Harry come and see him. Liam glances back, his face full with more distress than Niall could ever imagine. He slides through the doorframe, and shuts the door behind him. Zayn’s fingernails dig into Niall’s arm when they hear a horrible scream. The sound of a tray falling off of a table, metal rattling as it hit the floor, resounds in their ears just before the door slams open, Louis standing in the opening, still screaming. He begins limping, assisted by a crutch, towards them, a heavily bandaged arm flopping limply against his side. When he reaches Niall, his eyes are filled with some sort of twisted emotion Niall hopes to never know. Louis swallows hard, and the screaming stops. Louis’ voice is steely when he says “Niall, please tell me Harry’s here.” Niall forces himself to shake his head, and though the motion is small, Louis crumples to the floor. 

     Niall doesn’t think he will ever forget that moment. To see a man, once so full of light and life, crumpled on the floor, white hospital gown pooling around him, was heartbreaking. Louis’ eyes were glassy, but he wasn’t crying anymore. When a nurse came to escort him back to his room him, he stands up resolutely, using his crutch to limp back to his room, back straight and his remaining leg stiff.

 

     Niall goes to visit Louis the next day. He gets no reply when he knocks, so he slowly pushes open the door. Louis is sitting straight up in his bed, watching a rerun of Keeping up with the Kardashians. 

     “Louis, you hate this show.” Louis ignores him, and watches Kim and Khloe get into yet another fight. 

     “Louis.” Niall sighs, and places the carton of cookies on Louis’ bedside table. As he’s walking out the door, he hears a whisper, so faint he almost misses it. Niall turns around, and Louis makes eye contact for the first time that day. His eyes are glassy, and his lip quivers as he asks the question that’s been prevalent on everyone’s mind. 

     “How is it fair, Ni?” And Louis looks about ready to fall apart, pale and tired-looking, with an arm so bandaged that it’s nearly immobile. He just wants the answer that they’re all looking for. Niall walks over to Louis’ bed, takes his hand and a deep breath, and quietly answers.

     “It’s not.” Louis turns and stares into Niall’s eyes, and Niall can’t breathe when he feels the gaze upon him. Those ever familiar blue eyes, always twinkling, are steely, and Louis’ mouth seems to be permanently fixed into a downturned line.

    “I would give my own fucking life just to have him still here. I deserved it more than him. He was just.. so good, so pure. He didn’t deserve this. And to know he might still be alive if he hadn’t been so fucking brave. Why him? Why not me?” Louis says quietly, his face void of emotion. Niall takes a deep breath, holding back the tears that he fears will spill over. He swallows hard, and opens his mouth to reassure Louis, but Louis speaks again before Niall has the chance to. “We were going to get married, you know. Not necessarily right away, but he said we could move, move somewhere where it’s possible. He promised we would. He promised.”

     “Louis-”

      “HE FUCKING PROMISED ME NI. YOU DON’T BREAK A PROMISE LIKE THAT.” Tears begin to spill out of Louis’ eyes, and he shuts his mouth resolutely and turns his head to look out of his window at the barren landscape. Niall sits down on his bed and grabs his wrist gently, only to have Louis yank it away again. “Please just go.” Louis whispers, his voice cracking on the last syllable. Niall nods, and stands up to leave. As he pulls the door open, he turns around and whispers ‘I’m sorry’, to Louis, who just nods and replies ‘me too’.

 

     Louis’ body heals over the next month, and the news comes that they’re being sent home. Their entire squadron is being exchanged with another, and they all get to go home. Niall tells Louis, and Louis attempts to smile, which is even sadder than Niall could’ve ever predicted. They head to lunch, and Niall watches Louis stumble on his prosthetic, which he’s finally beginning to master.

     “Are you happy to be going home, mate?” Niall asks, thinking about all of the people he’ll get to see again after a long fifteen months.

     “I don’t know. It’s like leaving him for real.” Louis replies, staring at his lunch tray. Niall didn’t think his mood could plummet any further, but it manages.

 

     Two weeks later, they’re back in Britain, giving the fallen the proper recognition that they deserve. Niall’s back is stiff, and he’s been standing for hours to honor all of the soldiers that had recently fallen. Louis is beside him, stone-faced. Niall listens solemnly to the names. Each name that he recognizes is like another mallet pounding on the stake lodged in his heart. For every soldier, someone in the audience breaks out in tears, and Niall is struggling to hold back his own. For every soldier, the rest of their comrades give a salute, and then the families parade solemnly after the coffin of the beloved as it’s carried out. “Thomas John Staver,” the commander calls out without emotion. Niall watches a women, who he presumes to be Tom’s wife, burst into tears as his coffin is brought to the front. “Corporal Staver was a remarkable addition to our troops. He valiantly led nine men into a precarious area, and directed them in hand-to-hand combat when they were encountered by an enemy troop. Unfortunately, he suffered a gunshot to the chest. He will be missed.” The commander nods, and two soldiers lift the coffin and carry it out of sight. Niall watches the family follow, the wife silently sobbing as she clutches a small boy to her chest. The commander speaks then, and this name pounds the stake through Niall’s heart, breaking a small piece of it off entirely. “Harry Edward Styles.” Louis stiffens beside Niall, and out of the corner of his eye, Niall notices that Louis’ hands begin to shake. “Private Styles was an amazing addition to our troops. He fought fearlessly, and never doubted a move he made. Unfortunately, on one of his missions, a grenade was tossed into the midst of his group. Styles showed that he was truly a hero when he placed his helmet over the grenade to absorb the imminent explosion. If not for him, we would have a lot more coffins lined up here today. He will be missed.” And when the two soldiers pick up Harry’s coffin, draped in the flag of their country, Louis breaks the line. Niall stiffens, his palms sweating, as Louis limps to the coffin, his prosthetic leg dragging noticeably. Louis stops the soldiers, draping himself over the coffin, and Niall swears his heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces as he watches Louis crumble, clutching the coffin for any sort of support. His fists grab the flag, crumpling it into his palms as he sobs openly, his tears falling heavily onto the red and blue of the flag, soaking the fabric through. Niall watches as another soldier pulls him off, and Louis struggles to get away from the soldiers grasp and back to the coffin. A woman who must be Louis’ mother comes and touches his arm, whispering something into his ear. Niall watches as Louis straightens up and wipes away his tears with his sleeve. He then walks to the coffin calmly and touches a fist with the thumbs up to the side of the coffin. He shuts his eyes momentarily, then walks away, his mother’s arm around his shoulders.

 

***

 

     When Louis unpacks his army duffel bag for the final time, he finds a crumpled up piece of paper tucked into a pocket, written in an unmistakeable scrawl. 

 

_Louis. I’ve got this really funny feeling about our mission today, and I wanted you to know something. I can’t believe that I was blessed enough to meet you, and I know even if I lived a million years, I’d never meet anyone who I would be as in love with as I am with you. I’ve so many words yet to tell you, but the sun is rising and I know it’s almost time to leave. In case I don’t come back, I want you to listen to this song. It’s called ‘Tenerife Sea’, and it’s by Ed Sheeran. I know it’s about a girl, but use your imagination, okay? I love you, Lou. xx. Harry._

 

[Tenerife Sea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX_y6fCz9mk)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed! please tell me any way i could improve it in the comments :) my twitter is @loughthouse if you want to contact me there!


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